Monday, December 18, 2006

My stars from the Fremantle Herald!!

Following yesterday's rant of all rants found this in paper, not kidding!!

VIRGO (Aug 23-Sept 22)
After having been robbed of your version of how life was meant to go, you are now confronted with pleasures that are above and beyond what you asked for. If your dreams had come true, you would never have gotten to taste this. The miraculous strikes again!

Okay, apart from being slightly freaky (yep, I now am now longer geeky, I am now freaky!) I think maybe bollocks!!

Sunday, December 17, 2006



Ramblings of a disappointed little froglet!!

When did I become so domesticated and how did this happen!!??
I just don't understand when did I swap "fourteen piercings in your scrotum, oh how impressive!!" for "what a lovely house you have and the decor is just to die for!!"
When did I become a suburbia believer!!
Lets get one thing clear I am not disappointed with my life as such, I have worked hard and achieved, its just not the sort of life I imagined I would take on. I have been discribed as a bottle of red wine, which apparently means I am getting better with age!! I just sort of thought said individual thought I was becoming bitter and twisted and would end up tasting of vinegar, very expensive vinegar, but still vinegar! My problem is this, I thought instead of working all hours god sends to be a geektastic nerdy nerd, I would in fact be a gin soaked pill popping rock goddess (okay groupie!!) in the Janis Joplin vein!! I thought my tomb stone would read "Looks great in pink PVC hotpants and can suck a golf ball through a hose pipe" not "Really well read and good at stats". I just never thought my life would be so tame and now as I limp towards thirty in my incredibly clean house, with the bills paid early and all my work in order I wonder where and how I misplaced the wild! More importantly how do I get it back?, the joyful heady (okay stupid) days of my youth!! Where did I go?
So, after that small but impressive rant I find myself on a quest to inject some heavy into my life!! I believe this now may become a new year's resolution to do something utterely stupid and maybe illegal in certain states of America at least once a week. Sad thing is I have this horrible feeling that I now think reorganising the kitchen cupboards is the height of debauchery. I am a desperate case and if anyone wants to join me in my quest for a more fulfilling life and have something to chuckle about in the old people's home don't hesitate to send me suggestions.

Changing the subject, I do believe I only open my mouth to change feet!! Why in the name of all that is holy did I feel it was a good idea to tell two lesbians that of course KD Lang is a lesbian, she is unfortunate looking! Memo to self shut gob!!!

Hold on memo to self, be wild who gives a shit!! KD Lang is unfortunate looking!! I was not lying and she does look like a lesbian! That is why there are stereotypes!

Until the next time, I am off to play knock down ginger, whilst wearing nothing but those pink PVC hotpants and taunting lesbians with pictures of KD Lang!

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Blogging takes time!!

I am so rubbish at this blog thingie!!
Well I have been in Australia for almost three whole months!!! It has been a very busy three months and ever so slightly strange.

I brought a car and the chief fairy that made it go died on me! Bitch! So now my car doesn't go anywhere without the add of a skate board and a large hill as it had to be crushed. I would cry if it wasn't so funny! It all started with the gear box elf being a bit poorly, but I think the chief fairy loved him and the prospect that he may be ripped from the car without a second thought lead her to commit suicide and take them all down with her. Not fair, but I swear it is all the truth. So now I am carless, but I enjoy the bus, as it makes me feel beautiful. I am not that strange looking compaired to the fruit loops (who all smell strange!) using Perth public transport. Isn't incest illegal in Australia too? Oh give me six! Also I don't have any medical conditions which cause me to grunt, swear or remove clothing in public (or in private come to think of it!?). So I get to work in the morning feeling like a sweet smelling supermodel with the cleanest bill of mental health the world has ever seen. I know it is a bit like compairing Cindy Crawford to boiled cabbage but it makes me fell great! I think I will have to get a car for the summer, because I know that come the heat the fruit loops of Perth will derobe, start smelling even stranger (if possible) and the heat will cause multiple incidents of mental behaviour which before 9am I am just not willing or able to cope with. So if you know anybody out there with a car that contains fit and healthy elves, pixies and fairies please let me know.

The biggest thing that has happened is my flat mate went mental and started wearing a wig!! Oh yes a wig, he was even going to sell the scary hair stuff to middle aged bald men who want twenty something bimbettes on their arms but are held back only (I repeat only!) by the lack of fluff on top. I personally think bald men are quite sexy, as a friend once said it isn't a bald batch it is a solar pannel for a sex machine. I did suggest that he should try and get more sun then and was rewarded with a slap in the chops! So yes, Brad the all Australian boy went mental, I have never moved out of a house so fast, my little froggie feet didn't touch the floor. I went back to Nat and Dave to lick my wounds and start again. The unfairness of it all, I had it all, a car, somewhere to live, a place called home! All ripped away! But now I say good, I have a little housie all of my own, wwith a garden and everything. It is beautiful and there are no mental people there, as I said before I am completely sane! Public transport proves that.

I have been out and about exploring and have enough survived Northbridge. Even though Nat has a thing about coffin cheaters who may or may not be actual vampires. He looked like a vampire, he looked like something that only came out at night, crawled out from underneath the fridge in some dirty kebab joint and took to the streets to find stupid, I mean innocent young ladies with flesh and morals on display. I also met Elvis that night, or maybe Elvis's evil not as good looking (always the case) younger brother. Apparently I am going to die before I am 34, but its okay because all of humantity are going to die, oh yes that makes it better! I also according to Elvis know the truth!? I think the truth is that Northbridge Elvis is not really Elvis and is fact a nutter, who probably works in a petrol station as a trainee and is like in his forties!! Harsh but I think true.

Well I really do have to dash I will do some more later, life is never boring if you have a face like mine. I am sure I have some sort of tattoo only the mental can see, bring me your strange, stick and needy and I will chat to them for hours fuelled only by meer alchol and a smile.

Thank you very much and Elvis has left the building.

Sunday, July 30, 2006

In the beginning

I have been encouraged to start a blogg and as most things in my life this will probably be a complete mess, but will provide you with hours of free entertainment and life lessons!!! If I have done it, don't!!!! So in the beginning was a small little Ribbet who was molested by a six foot hick and the adventure starts and should get even sillier for I am actually aging backwards and now think I am about 17!!!